The words “pre-leukemia” weren’t fun to hear
We’ve known since the beginning of the cold plunge into the cancer world that the goal for any colon cancer patient is 5 years in remission, then the statistics for survival go from 13 to 84%!
Next month will be 5 years for me, but as most you know, the cancer has come back 4 times in those years. And every time there’s a reoccurrence, that five year timer starts over. This has been a hard let down, especially in the beginning phases of this race, when you have all the adrenaline energy and the “I’m going to beat this!!!” mentality. By God’s grace, this sinner’s heart is slowly being renewed to sing “not my will but thine” from a place of praise for the creator and Lord of my heart. For him, I’ll walk any road he asks.
Although these last 5 years has looked very different from anything I could’ve ever guessed, there are always blessings along the way, so we often look for the small and not-so-small wins!
For example, two things that I thought would be markers of the end of my journey have come to pass. One was the removal of my port last summer, which was under different circumstances than simply not needing my port anymore, but because of an infection. But the fact I haven’t had to go through more rounds of chemo thus requiring me to need another port is a huge answer to prayer!
To be honest when I had my port removed the fears of doubt crept in from time to time “what if you need that again?”
“What if you go through all the pain and heartache of getting it out, just to go through the whiplash of another surgery, to get another put back in?”
“Will this all be for nothing?”
A year later, praise God, I am in remission still, and haven’t had to get another port placed!
The second thing that I thought would be the ribbon that marks the finish line at the end of the race for this sweaty out of shape runner (lol) was going off my daily low dose chemo pill I’ve been taking twice daily for the last 4+ years. Much like the removal of my port- this came about under less than ideal circumstances. Today, Dr Chen looked over my particularly concerning bloodwork results as of late and decided my body needs a break.
I’ll spare you the unnecessary details, but in short, everything from my struggling thyroid numbers, to being deficient in every vitamin possible as well as enlarged red blood cells… is pointing towards my body needing to break from my chemo pill. This was the point in my checkup with Dr Chen today that he threw out there that if I continued on this trajectory, the risk of getting leukemia looms large for me.
I took my chemo pill this morning, but you can bet your butt I’m not taking it tonight!! Okay sorry, but for real, I’m learning to take the blessing even in different ways than I thought they would come, and I am hopeful and excited to be off chemo.
Don’t get me wrong, have you ever seen a baby deer trying to walk for the first time?! I kind of feel like that with my body, I don’t really trust the legs, if ya know what I mean! Is my body even capable of being healthy and not regrowing cancer without chemo pills keeping it at bay? It feels like laying down one risk to pick up another. Continue taking oral chemo and risk leukemia, or go off and risk it growing back in my liver. Cancer either way?!
This feeling of the Bambi legs, causes me to want to reach out and grab something to stabilize myself (this is obviously were the metaphor breaks down because deer have hooves and can’t grab anything lol). If you’ve followed my story for more than 5 minutes you’ve probably watched and heard me processing the balancing act of my own efforts, diet, exercise, health care routine - me striving for health VS Gods sovereign plan for my life. I’m tempted to feel the safety rail of a pill being taken away and reach for another.
Today I feel more seasoned (weathered, if you will) at learning what I’m tempted to reach for, and correcting that. Like when you reach for a drink, forgetting the cup was empty. This is what striving in my own effort feels like: an empty cup. It’s this option that I find myself tempted to reach towards, it’s what is behind door number one and it sucks. But thank the Lord that is not the only option.
Psalms 116:1-14
I love the LORD, because he has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy.
2 Because he inclined his ear to me,
therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The snares of death encompassed me;
the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me;
I suffered distress and anguish.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD:
“O LORD, I pray, deliver my soul!”
5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
6 The LORD preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return, O my soul, to your irest;
for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.
8 For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
9 I will walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
10 I believed, even when I spoke:
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 I said in my alarm,
“All mankind are liars.”
12 What shall I render to the LORD
for all his benefits to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD,
14 I will pay my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.
What’s behind door number two?! So glad you asked. It’s a second cup, but not like the empty one of my own effort. This second cup is one that God, through his divine graciousness, led me to by using some really hard times and circumstances. It’s my prayer and hope for you, my non-stubborn readers, to go to this cup willingly. Before trials or heartache leads you there. To taste and see for yourself, as I have, that the Lord is good.
John 4:14
“But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”