Survivor's Guilt
“Why are you alive?”
Survivor's guilt, commonly associated with PTSD, is when a person feels guilty because they survived a life-threatening event that others did not survive.
My latest blood work has come back with the refreshing news that I am still in remission!
My nurse left the results up on the computer so we could glance at them unofficially, to see the graph that indicated where I had started last August, at 12.5, has continued at a relieving 0 detectable circulating cancer cells in my blood. When he saw the results, Jamison slid down the door casing to the floor in sweet, sweet relief. My healing has continued by God’s grace. We celebrated with the kids with a “sushi and movie” night as this verse rang out in my heart:
Psalms 107:9 For he satisfied the longing soul;
And the hungry soul he fills with good things
I found and highlighted this verse at prayer night three days before we got the results. Now as I think back on it, I feel heard and seen by God.
That being said, since receiving the results something irritating keeps happening in my mind. I will be going about my day, doing dishes, exercising, or helping kids with schoolwork when seemingly out of nowhere, these nagging questions start coming like a whispering in the back of my mind:
‘Why?’
“Why are you alive?”
What can you do to keep this blessing?”
“How do you keep God’s favor?”
It’s embarrassing that my natural thought process feels this transactional. During our weekly prayer night with close friends this last Saturday, a mess of emotions tangled inside of me as I grasped for words to pray as I processed the latest news of my continued remission and considered the last round of chemo I finished in December.
Looking for words to pray, I had a picture come to mind. It was me, leaning against a rock, barefoot in a grassy green field. It made me think of this verse:
Psalms 18:2
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I realized that these things questions nagging me was a struggle with survivors' guilt. It is this feeling that at any moment my sense of safety and security could evaporate at any moment. As I pondered this, another question came to my mind:
“When was the last time you leaned on a rock and worried about it dissipating?”
I felt convicted and moved as this question had such a simple answer. God has been my rock. He has faithfully led me. I need only to lean on him in trust. What He is calling me to right now, is to rest in him and trust.
In October of 2019 I got the words “Trust & Obey” tattooed on my arm, from the old hymn;
“Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we'll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.”
When survivors' guilt is tempting me to fear and worry, to wonder if the rock that is holding me up will vanish, my combat for this has become two things:
1. Trust
2. Obey
I first remind myself to trust God’s word, his character and nature. It is a thread through all of scripture as it paints a beautiful picture of his intentions towards me.
Romans 8:28-33
And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified. What then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, freely give us all things? Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.
I can trust God’s heart for me in using my cancer for a season to accomplish his will in my life. Not only was he with me from the chemo chair to the bathroom floor, but He also changed and grew me so much over the last three and a half years and continues that work in me today.
The second thing: Obey.
The overflow response to his lavish grace poured out over my life should spill into my actions. A response to the love and trust I feel for Christ should be reciprocated in effort.
Matthew 7:21
Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.
1 Corinthians 4:1-5
So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Now it is required of stewards that they be found faithful.
At the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow, my eyes close, and the parade of questions comes:
“Why are you still alive?”
“Have you earned this?”
The answers are; because God is not done with me and no, I have not earned this.
I strive to trust and obey Christ because He loves me so. My conscience is clear, it’s God’s love and grace that are boundless, and my heart testifies of this as survivors' guilt is nailed to the cross.