Hope for New Life: In My Bones and My Family
An average healthy woman of childbearing age in her early thirties, such as myself, should have an Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH – aka the fertility hormone) level of 1.5 - 4.0
We just had mine tested and I’m 0.5. That’s ZERO point five... ugh. My body thinks I’m 45+ years old.
To be fair, my body has been through a lot. 48 rounds of chemo, 5 rounds of radiation, 2 major surgeries, and 4 months of medically induced menopause!
All this medical history to say, the notion that I might not have any more biological children is starting to look like it could be a reality.
This does not mean that God is calling me to mourn this as a decided loss yet, and I believe God’s plan cannot be thwarted (Job 42:2) and there is always hope! But this does mean the path we’re on right now and as far forward as we can currently see, the subject of me bearing more children is tabled, unless God somehow changes the horizon.
I hug the three children God has blessed me with a little tighter and I realize that for most standard American families, three children is already above the average household size. That being said, I have 11 siblings (yes, all from the same parents) and I LOVED it! My family is close. My parents gave us a stable loving childhood filled with camping, hiking, and family meals around our giant dining table every day, to name a few of my fondest memories.
Jamison and I never picked “a number” of kids we wanted to have, we just both love family and saw firsthand the increase of love and joy as our family has grown with each added blessing of another soul.
This brings us to where we find ourselves today as we consider adding to our family – adoption!
Why Adoption?
When Jamison and I were first engaged, we had several lengthy conversations about adoption and what it would look like for us to adopt. We even discussed the possibility of adopting our first child. But Reegan was a honeymoon baby so that dream was replaced quickly-the Lord had better plans!
Adoption has always been an option in our minds, and something we both view as a beautiful thing. Who knew that cancer and possible infertility would be factors that propelled us onto this dream – only the Lord knew!
There is also a spiritual connection we feel to the idea of adoption:
2 Corinthians 6:18:
"And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty."
Galatians 4:5-7
To redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.
As adopted children ourselves, we desire to imitate Christ in this way. In that while we’re earth side our home could be a picture of our heavenly kingdom we are adopted into.
Asking for a Child as a Child
Part of our faith process is trusting the scriptures about God’s heart towards Jamison and I and our family and believing that we are called to petition him as his children. If my cancer came back, we recognize this would change our plans. We do not live in fear of this, but we also have no reason to assume the cancer is gone forever. We balance that with the hope and faith we have in moving forward with great expectation and anticipation. And that is the edge of the knife we find ourselves on.
Growing up, my dad always counseled us when reaching for something new or different, whether that was purchasing a car, interviewing for a job, starting a relationship he always encouraged us by saying:
“We have to hold it with an open hand...
The lord gives and the lord takes away.
We cannot white knuckle our way into getting what we want.”
In all this we recognize and submit our timeline and vision to Christ, with an open hand. Praying for his will for our family and our lives.
John 15:7-8
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.
Psalms 127: 3
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward
On the heels of beating cancer a 3rd time, just four months ago, we realize this request we have for another child through adoption is a gutsy ask. We were trying for another baby when I was diagnosed with cancer almost four years ago and our hearts have longed for this ever since. Over the years with my cancer, it’s surprised me that often what my heart has grieved, and the thing that has caused the most pain, has been the death of vision for what we thought our future would look like.
Through all the highs and lows, and at times feeling sure I was going to die in a hospital bed, God has shown me how to live with my expectations for my life in an outstretched open hand through my dad’s example, my circumstances, and my trials. God has gently, lovingly reminded me over and over again to submit to him because his way is best, and I know nothing. He has taught me to be ok with expecting death, and somehow now given me the resilience and permission to ask for new life, and to revisit an old dream. A dream I thought, after having three beautiful healthy biological babies, Jamison and I would just keep growing our family naturally. But God likes to keep Jamison and I on our toes and dependent on him, and I pray he never stops instructing us in this way. It has been a sweet fondness to return to a dream we had early on of adopting.
We want to approach God now as our father, asking for a child like a child would ask. When our children ask us for stuff, they ask:
As soon as they can,
Without fear of rejection,
Repeatedly until they get an answer; and
Expectantly
This is how we want to now ask God for new life, in my bones and in our family.
Psalms 118:17-18
I shall not die, but I shall live,
and recount the deeds of the Lord.
18 The Lord has disciplined me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.
Call to Action
Would you pray for God’s wisdom and guidance for us?
As we look into:
fostering
open/closed adoption
fostering a waiting child
finding an expecting birth mother
the certification process
getting an adoption lawyer
Passing the home inspection
Our lives are fully submitted to Christ, and we rest easy under the mighty hand of God as we wait and pray in hope.