Still Not Used to Living Unpacked
The other day I was wiping down the bathroom counters and I picked up my travel makeup bag, wiped under it, and set it back down in its place on the counter. For whatever reason, 5 months since my last Seattle trip, that was the moment it dawned on me: I could unpack that little bag into the drawer where it had a home. It had been months since I traveled with it every week, but there it sat, ready for the road.
Some days there’s a disconnect between the calm season that we’re in and the feeling that something is lurking. The combat for that has been deep breathing and reciting the truth of who God is, in the storm and in the calm.
It’s been a few months since my last blog post, and some of that I think is because of the vulnerability and reflecting that trials force, in a way. When I’m out of the thick of it, there’s a temptation to tune out emotionally. That, and the feeling like I’ve got less to testify to when I’m not actively staring down a cancer monster. The lady struggling to unpack a makeup bag seems a little more trivial. Who’d want to read that blog. *boo
It even feels silly reading that last paragraph back, but I guess that’s the benefit to both of us. I get to process some constipated feelings, you get a good laugh, and we both get to be thankful you’re not broken like me 😉
In the wiping down the bathroom counter moments, I realize that all seasons of life demand trust in God, or something else takes its place. I’m sure for each of us it’s something different, depending on your season. People are creative, distrust in our Maker can breed in many different forms, (including but not limited to) cynicism, bitterness, anger, self-reliance, overconfidence, etc.
I have struggled with apathy, feeling like the other shoe will drop. Why get excited about where life is, if a storm is just around the corner, ready to destroy what I would be excited about? But its hard to “Delight yourself in the Lord” as scripture calls me to, when I’m bracing for impact, as if I’m living in melodrama and every episode has a looming cliff hanger. In my defense, I’ve had one too many ambulance rides not to feel like my script has a flare for the dramatic!
But that’s such a crude perspective compared to the truth of how closely God walked with me in that season, and how much he taught me of himself. Just as much as I leaned into Gods sovereignty with the heavy hitting news that I was on deaths doorstep, life in the mundane takes a trust and hope in the future that must be leaned into. If I focused on what I’ve lost through the trials of the last six years, the dreams that it’s cost me, the price seems too much to pay. But the truth is, when I remind myself of the moments that God brought the gospel to bear in my life in the darkest hours, face in the carpet, asking God the dreaded WHY question that plagued my mind with every reoccurrence of cancer. It was there God reminded me that “my greatest need has already been met” through Jesus on the cross. My biggest enemy has already been defeated. That I could be left to answer for my sins to a holy God is all of mankind’s universal problem, and Jesus conquered that through the grave for me and you.
Perspective is powerful, where we put our focus on a daily basis culminates to our overall outlook on life. Have I largely been blessed and am I functioning in a trust and hope of the future that God has laid out for me? Or am I focused on the number of surgeries, ambulance rides, rounds of chemo, and radiation I’ve gone through, or the grief of wanting more children, and not knowing if that’s possible?
I promise the former is where freedom is. Having tried both, I know the work that it takes to stay focused on God and his word, but the promise of life that he gives is a steadying force that is worth every effort in striving towards it. That’s where I find myself currently, due for bloodwork again, a few months overdue for imaging (thanks to our complicated medical system for never calling to schedule unless it’s a STAT order), striving to stay in God’s word no matter where my feelings are. Always rehearsing the truth of God’s word and how he cares for me.
Zephania 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”