Standing on the side of the hill

Some people just seem to have a way, or an intuition if you will, of hearing past the words that you’re saying and understanding what you’re going through and how you’re feeling.  

The day I finally started processing that I had to do radiation again for a third time, my friend LaVona and her family happened to be over, using our family pool right behind our house. LaVona and I started chatting and I explained how the current spot in my liver had shown up on a scan back in December but that no one told us, and it had gone unnoticed for 3 months and was now more than doubled in size and how discouraged I was.  

I could see she was listening very intently, and paused for a moment staring at the ground as if she was unsure what to say. She then proceeded with: 

“It’s not the worst news, but it’s also not great. It’s like you’re on a hill. And the goal is to get to the top, right? You want your cancer to be completely gone. You’re still in the fight but you’re still putting in the work and climbing, and people can’t see how much work it takes to just stay still in one spot. If you stop fighting you start falling down the hill. That’s not what's happening here, but you’re still tired.”  

I instantly felt so understood and seen. She had no solutions to offer but compassion, a hug, and a listening ear. What a gift she is.   

This is where I find myself these days. On the side of a hill.  

This metaphor has really stuck with me over the last few weeks, as I’ve contemplated how the early years of diagnosis felt like a sprint, and I’ve settled into the marathon. The hill I’m climbing is a lot longer and steeper than I anticipated. Especially because I didn’t want to be in this particular race in the first place and also because hills are the worst.  

“The key to happiness is lowered expectations” might sound a little cynical but stay with me for a second. 

There is an interesting dichotomy between the drive and motivation for growth and forward progress (Goal oriented) and at the same time having contentment and joy in where I’m at.  

I’ve seen this play out in my dance with cancer over the last years, this back and forth between recurrence and remission again and again. I can easily feel discouraged at the lack of victory over this disease and feel discouraged because it’s not the complete victory I long for, being at the top of the hill. As I’ve started to try and actively work towards being content where I am at, AND also keep motivation to push forward and get to the top. I found this to be a balancing act between two mindsets, Contentment and Progress. Contentment says “be satisfied in your current circumstances, don’t let your striving steal joy from your today” while Progress whispers “don’t fall backwards, keep pressing, just a little further, keep going”.  

While being on the side of the hill in some ways can feel like a goal not yet accomplished, I realized God would have me turn to see there’s a view. The view is a sunrise of thankfulness. Gratitude. Joy. There is so many missed opportunities to enjoy where we’re at in life if we don’t also make space for contentment and peace along the way. I have given grief its moments, then set it down on the hill side, knowing that it was too heavy to carry to the top. Pushing forward holding motivation and contentment in tandem.