God is Good when News Isn't
On Valentines Day we figured out how to log into the Legacy Salmon Creek Patient portal, and found that the MRI results from two weeks ago had been uploaded:
“Liver: Enlarging mildly T2 hyperintense lesion in segment 2 measuring 2 cm”
Another liver spot.
We knew this one had been there, but now it’s grown from the 7mm that it was back in September. The plan was to keep an eye on it, since a spot can’t be radiated unless it’s at least 10mm anyways.
This was pretty discouraging to read, especially when Jamison scrolled down to the previous chest CT I had done back In December, when we went into the ER two weeks after radiation because of some severe abdominal pain. This chest CT revealed that the spot that was 7mm back in September had grown to 11mm... but no one ever told us or even sent it to my Oncologist. They apparently only reviewed the scan to look for any causes of the immediate pain, to assess what had brought me into the ER to fix it and send me home.
The spot that was 11mm back in December is now around 15-20mm. We discussed these results with my Dr Chen, and its hopeful news in that at least there is only 1 spot and all things considered it isn’t growing very fast. Dr Chen said we should consult with radiology and see if this spot is treatable VIA cyberknife or ablation surgery. Both are options I prefer over chemo!
Praise be to God that I feel my thyroid meds are kickin’ in and leveling out my mood, and my energy and natural hope is back, so this news has been much easier to take than if it had been given to me a month ago-vitamin D deficiency and all. Don’t get me wrong, I for sure had a good cry about the news, it took several days for the grief to set in. To be honest, once it did, it was a solid day of not really being able to turn off the tears. Because between God and I, He knows this isn’t what I asked for. He heard the conversation between Reegan and I, he heard her sobs of pain for our family and what this means in our desire for adoption...He knows. He went before, He ordained, and we are trying our best to submit our desires to Him and navigate and protect our children's hearts through these times.
I am thankful we are not going this alone, and I don’t have to wonder if we’re doing the right thing, because Reegan's heavenly father is shaping her heart, as well as Braddock and Waverly’s through these trials and we’re trying to steward this process the best we can. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is wasted in Christ.
Christ Be Magnified
The song Christ be Magnified by I AM THEY has been a go to for me lately, the lyrics to the bridge are my favorite:
I won't bow to idols, I'll stand strong and worship You
And if it puts me in the fire, I'll rejoice 'cause You're there too
I won't be formed by feelings, I hold fast to what is true
If the cross brings transformation then I'll be crucified with You
'Cause death is just the doorway into resurrection life
And if I join You in Your suffering, then I'll join You when You rise
And when You return in glory with all the angels and the saints
My heart will still be singing, my song will be the same
Oh! Christ be magnified
Let His praise arise
Christ be magnified in me
Oh! Christ be magnified
From the altar of my life
Christ be magnified in me
This line “My heart will still be singing, and my song will be the same” hit me in a unique way, the thought that my song can be the same as in heaven, that I could align my voice here on earth with the very same worship that is taking place in heaven, in the throne room, praising the One True King!
I am still in my sin suit this side, and the thought that I could sing with the saints who’ve been relieved of their struggle with sin, seems like such a special gift. I am so humbled that God hears us because of His son, and that He has given us the freedom to praise Him still.