Results are in: not 1 but 3 spots in my lung.
Apparently, I cannot think straight anymore without writing it down.
The results are in, the cancer is back.
Three new spots in my lower right lung. 7, 4, and 3mm. Very small, too small for radiation or surgery, but still cancer. The Signetera number that was zero 3 months ago, went up to 1.36.
On the bright side, my Oncologist, Dr Chen, said we are not in a state of emergency. We have a few weeks, 4 to be exact, to try some natural options before we test my blood again to see how fast it’s growing. Among the list will be Mistletoe therapy, dripping 3 vitamin C per week, H-48 (superpower Japanese herbal mixture), oxygen therapy, scheduled sauna time, and focusing a strict healthy diet. With both my eardrums still healing from being ruptured, the hyperbaric chamber is sidelined.
It took me several minutes into the conversation with Dr Chen for the numbing shock of the unwelcome news to settle. I was left to wonder; “what do I feel?”
The words from my dad's prayer at our weekly prayer night yesterday evening came flooding back to my mind; He prayed thanking God for certain hardships our family has gone through, then he said “Lord, thank you for the difficult people you’ve brought into my life...”
This caught me off guard, and made me question; “When was the last time I prayed like this?”
His prayer continued “because they show us how we need to grow and change.”
This incredibly humble prayer from dad convicted me, encouraged me, and showed me how the Saints should pray. Because of his example, sitting in the cancer patient seat across from my Oncologist, a place I never dreamt God would ask me to go, let alone for a fourth time, as the words “three new spots” were sinking in, God moved me to pray in my heart; “Thank you for these three new spots, Lord. I don’t understand it, I don’t want it, but I trust you.”
I surprised myself in that moment at this little prayer of swelling faith.
“But... My friends, and sisters all get good normal lives, blessings and gifts like new babies, and life without constant doctors' appointments or sickness... why Lord?”
The turnaround in my thoughts was that quick. Trusting to questioning -at the drop of a hat.
Why am I here?
Jamison and I were recently discussing a well-known John Piper quote;
“What is the chief aim of man? Man’s chief aim is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.”
As I sat there, looking at a mountain I felt unsure I could climb again, this quote came rushing to my mind and I had to ask myself: Do I place value in living because of my relationship with God or because of the good things I receive as a part of that relationship? In other words, as I wrestled with this new reality of cancer in my lung, have I elevated or idolized God’s gifts and blessings in my life as more important than the worth of intimate knowing and relationship with the Savior himself? What is my chief aim? If I was honest with myself, would I say health and prosperity?
I have spent these past few days pondering these questions, wanting to answer for myself and evaluate what I worship; my health or the healer. Here is what I have come to:
Unfortunately, it's both. Depending on if I’m relying on the Spirit or my flesh from moment to moment. So, what I have come to is truth from the Word that I am committed to speaking over my thoughts and my heart in the coming days.
Psalms 119:33:40
“Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statutes; and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.”
Some of the blessings I can already feel coming out of this situation of yet another recurrence, is feeling within myself the little steps of personal growth from the first time I was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. I am slowly learning to counsel my heart and inward thoughts more quickly from panic to trust. This is by no means effort of my own but evidence of God’s power to transform this sinner.
It’s a little personal miracle that in my hurt and sorrow over this relapse, my theology, what I believe about God and who he is, is no longer tangled in the intricate web of my emotions and questions this time around. I feel a confidence in these things I have not felt before, which to me feels like growth and I’m praising God for His work in me.
The Comforts of Objective Truths
I feel myself leaning on objective truths about Christ and who he is that are unchanged by my circumstances:
His holiness (1 Samuel 2:2)
His graciousness (James 4:6)
His mercy (Deuteronomy 4:31)
His love (Romans 5:8)
His compassion (Matthew 9:36)
His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21)
His justice (Isaiah 30:18)
Christ’s character and his attributes are an objective truth, whether you and I like it or not- they just are. They stand tall and firm in all circumstances, and he is pressing this truth deep into my thinking so that I feel it in my bones. It’s our job, as sinners and saints to respond in worship to this God who is so powerful that he is outside of subjectivity, and yet still describes himself as “gentle and lowly in heart.”
When I feel my breath taken away from me anytime I think about this new reality of cancer in my lung, I inhale the reality of who God is and the heroic act that was accomplished on my behalf on the cross and I exhale the idols of expectations of what I thought my life would look like.
Until my dying breath.