Balancing the Teeter-Totter
This photo was from 4 years ago today, the year of my cancer diagnosis. I would, completely out of the blue, be diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer 6 months and 7 days after this picture.
I could stare at this for an unhealthy amount of time, to where my ovaries start hurting and I’m bawling because I want more children and my old life back. I close my eyes and remember the delicious scent of my newborn babies, their therapeutic density every time I pick them up out of the crib (we have fat babies-it’s the best) and the purpose and love I felt having littles.
I am a teeter totter.
Balancing the realities on either end of the spectrum. On one end, being THAT lady that is crippled with longing and pain for the life I had and wanting to live on the bathroom floor of disappointment. On the other end of the teeter totter, feeling in love with the three children, the husband, and the life I have even amidst being the cancer patient in remission and in maintenance.
I do not know if you can relate to this balancing act, with what seems like such extreme, messy emotions, but I find my emotions are all over the place most of the time, and I need some serious self-talk counseling to combat this. In an instant, the nostalgia of looking at this sweet picture of my babies when my “old life desires” starts creeping in and I am tempted to bitterness and discontent.
God’s word has taught me to give voice to my hurt before Him, give place for lament, and then trust that He is for my good, because He is good. Here are a few examples:
“Hear my prayer, O Lord! And let my cry for help come to You. Do not hide Your face from me in the day of my distress; Incline Your ear to me; In the day when I call answer me quickly.” Psalms 102:1-2
“The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth” Exodus 34:6
This peace that is described in Exodus is one that comes for me after I allow grief like David says in the Psalms. After a good healthy cry and being honest with God because he already knows, His goodness, grace, and mercy are set before my eyes.
I am currently working my way through the book of Hebrews two passages stood out to me as I read through it. They are very close to each other, but rarely quoted together. The first is:
Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:11-13
This describes my heart, my thoughts, naked and exposed before Him! It ends on a rather ominous note as it describes this exposure being before “him to whom we must give account.” BUT, just a few verses later, the tone changes. Because of this complete and utter knowledge of who we are, we see a promise of redemption, relationship, and empathy:
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Hebrews 4:14-15
This next part is what really got me as I was reading. Because we are laid bare and truly KNOWN by God, and because we have Jesus who truly empathizes with our weaknesses, we have this promise:
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
When I feel the pit in the bottom of my stomach as the teeter totter starts to drop toward that familiar pain of barrenness, I am reminded that I am truly and wholly known. I remember the throne of grace, and the invitation to approach it boldly.