I'm Tired of Being Battle-Ready: Conversations with God
“When was the last time you leaned on a rock and worried about it dissipating?”
The question that had come to mind a few months ago returned to my mind this week. Why I am I doubting God as my rock again?
We drew blood at my last visit to the cancer clinic, to see what the spots in my lung have been up to, which is always the cracked door that doubt likes to creep in through...
At our last weekly prayer night, we were praying about this upcoming blood draw. The power of a praying community is when I am not sure what to ask for, the prayers of God’s saints uphold me. When the nurse is filling vial after vial of blood to be combed through in a lab, searching for those cancer DNA strands, I meet with God and put on those nagging widows garments every time we do this routine checkup I’m left to wonder, “How do I pray?”
Conversations with God
“Lord, can I stay in my vacation clothes? I love the summertime, I love relaxing in a swimsuit at the lake with my kids, flip flops, and shades. The nagging widow's cloak is so drab...
Will you ask me to go to war again? I thought I could sit in the grass a little while longer with my feet in the soft lush grass. My battle armor beside me, not even sitting there long enough to rust. I know we’ve told me to stay dressed for action, but I’m just taking a break! And my armor is right beside me, still in sight, I haven’t lost it! I know when it is time to go back to fighting that you’ll lead me just as you always have God, but I’m still resting. Is that ok?”
“Stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning” Luke 12:35
“God, you’ve led me beside these still waters of summer, was I not supposed to completely disarm? Battle armor is heavy, widows garments are sad, and at this point I feel like the 6 year old little girl me, that my parent’s love to remind me infamously said “I change clothes a lot.” Can I get a break from the wardrobe switchbacks?!”
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.” Ephesians 6:10-13
“So…. you wanted me to stay dressed for action then, Lord?
The shield of faith was just so heavy, and I thought since we’d won that last battle I could relax a little, like slack off in my devotion slightly? I know the constant struggle keeps me close to you God, looking for you to guide and lead me with daily marching orders, but the break from waring is so nice.”
“Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints” Ephesians 6:14-18
“The sword of truth was useful while I was in active chemo but since I’m not right now and I’m just waiting to see what’s going on I figured I was safe.”
“But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation” 1 Thessalonians 5:8
“Sober... meaning, understanding that I’m in the army of the Lord?”
“The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. …..But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” Romans 12:13-14
“Lord, I get so tired of people telling me, “You’re such a warrior”, when I feel like I was drafted into this cancer fight and had no choice...”
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body”. Corinthians 6:19-20
“I hear you, father. Please come and counsel me with your peace. Give me the strength to stay dressed for action. Please forgive me for disarming every chance I get, and for slumping down into the grass exhausted, instead of drinking from the springs of your living waters. I know you satisfy all my desires God, because I have tasted your goodness. Please forgive me for forgetting that and not binding your truth around my neck.”
“But mine is armour for this battle
Strong enough to last the war
And He has said He will deliver
Safely to the golden shore...”
“Dear God, my armor is meant to last me till I reach your golden shore, I dedicate my armor to you father, and I strive to be an active member in your army till ‘beside the King I walk”. Give me strength to bear up under, to lean in, and to persevere. God, give me strength to stay dressed for action.”
I know my pain will not be wasted
Christ completes his work in me